"Woman was the first to sin and the second to be created."

I decided not to physically give up anything this Lent. Instead I'm trying to devote more of my time to redeveloping my faith through prayer, readings, and journaling. Since I had it in my possession, I started reading The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd. I'm not very far in, but I wonder if this is actually going to take me farther from my Catholic faith than bring me closer. It's very feminist driven so far and one of the excuses I have for why I don't go to church as often is that the Catholic church is too patriarchal for me. (Yes I know I wrote excuses. I've yet to determine if it's an excuse or a reason). Having been taught by sisters of the Church for over 12 years, I was constantly told I shouldn't leave the church simply because of the patriarchy; instead, I should be a voice of reason in the Church and work for more female equality, etc. Right now, I'm fed up with that thought. It's not that I want to give up and never think the Catholic church is going to have female priests, etc, it's that I don't want to feel like I have to fight so much for my faith to incorpate things I need right now. I want to be in a place where women are an equal part of the faith traditions already.

So, why am I not picking up and leaving the Catholic faith? Part of it is fear; I'm a cradle-catholic and almost all of my family and friends are Catholic. Going to a different denomination would sever a bond I have with these very important people. I know they wouldn't disown me as a friend, but it's nice knowing that I can always go to Mass with them and we generally have very similar beliefs. It's a sense of community. Also there's a voice inside of me that says I was once happy in the Catholic church and I'll be happy there again, I just need some work in that department.

So, fortunately I have never heard the words of my title spoken in any churches I've attended, but it's food for thought. I'm not willing to give up on the Catholic church just yet and I hope this Lent will bring me closer to God in some fashion.