Went to Mass

For the past couple of Sunday's that I've had off, I've been telling myself I need to go to Mass. Today I finally found the motivation to do so. I think the best way to describe my experience today is "comfortable." Faith takes work. I know I don't believe in all of the Catholic Church's actions and beliefs, but right now, it's where I'm comfortable. It's the religion of my childhood.

A passage from the second reading resonates with me:
Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves, each looking out not for his own interests, but also for those of others.
Phillipians 2:3

Faith takes work. I'm hoping I continue to find the motivation to work on mine.

The Expected One

The Expected One by Kathleen McGowan

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book brought out a fair number of thoughts/emotions in me. Briefly, the story is about Mary Magdalene and her place in Christianity. The book is written has fiction, but the author notes the main character reflects experiences the author has had. However, the McGowan wrote the story as fiction to protect her sources.

The idea of Mary Magdalene as wife of Jesus and mother of Jesus's children has been a hot topic for a few years now. Personally, this concept does not disturb me. The message McGowan portrayed through her book and Mary's roll in Christianity was very uplifting for me. I would love for this message and account to be factual. I think it would actually bring me closer to finding my faith again.

I've turned this review into a personal reflection, but that's what this book is about. I enjoyed the writing and was curious to see how the characters developed. I have the next book on audio and look forward to listening to it soon.
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Catholic Dilemma Update

This past summer I blogged about my "Catholic Dilemma," regarding my brother asking me to be his confirmation sponsor. I ultimately decided to decline and he understood. He was confirmed last weekend. I'm glad I made the decision to not be his sponsor because I'm still not in the proper place with my faith. I haven't worked on it, other than meditating, and he deserves better. Ultimately, my grandfather sponsored him.

I look at my brother's faith right now and I see me when I was his age. He's so sure of his faith, and I was too. I think as I've gotten older and learned more history, I've become less comfortable with the Church. I don't think there is a single moment that distanced me from the Catholic Church, but the most recent papal conclave stands out in my mind. That's when it hit me that not a single female helped decide on the new leader of the Church. I've still yet to make a real effort to establish my faith in another denomination or go back to Mass, but hopefully I will again someday. Ten years ago I never thought I'd be this distant in my faith. Time does crazy things.

My Catholic Dilemna

My brother is getting confirmed this year and he asked me to be his sponsor. In Catholicism, confirmation is one of the seven sacraments and your sponsor is supposed to give you spiritual guidance and has to be Catholic.

I still call myself Catholic, but I'm definitely not an active Catholic, and I'm still trying to own my faith. I'm really not sure if Catholicism is where I see myself a couple of years from now. When I went to a new Catholic church a couple of months ago, I loved how orderly and universal Catholic services are. However, I don't like how the Catholic church is condemning women for being ordained, and that's only the tip of the iceberg.

Truth be told, I'm dissatisfied with the Catholic church and I know I'm not in the right place in my faith right now to be my brother's sponsor. I told him my faith dilemma and he says he still wants me to be a sponsor. I know how important a sponsor is supposed to be in offering guidance in the Church and I feel like I'd be short-changing my brother and the idea of the sacrament of Confirmation.

My dear friend Megan always said "faith isn't easy," and it's not, especially when you don't know what you want from your faith/church.

Happy Easter

For Christians, today is Easter-a celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

When Lent started, instead of giving something up, I said I wanted to work on my faith and go to church weekly. The truth is, I didn't go to church once during Lent. I'm not even sure I'm going to go today. I did abstain from meat on Fridays. While I know it's not much and it's not fasting, it was nice to be aware of why I chose the vegetarian option.

I've never felt so distant in my faith before. For the longest time, I enjoyed the rituals of the Catholic faith. Right now, I don't feel like the Catholic Church is what I want. I like rituals, but I don't like the heirarchy and sometimes I feel so distant from the Church leaders. The fact is, I need to start exploring different denominations. Faith has always been an important part of my life and I've drifted way too far from it. Here's my fear and reluctance...I'm moving in 6 weeks. I feel that if I'm going to make this serious spiritual journey, I want to start it in a church where I can stay. However, I'm getting impatient. I'll see what happens with time.

Ash Wednesday

For Christians, today is the start of Lent. I've been saying I'm in a faith crisis. Being in the medical profession, I don't feel like I can call something a crisis and not doing anything about it. So, for Lent this year, I'm going to try my darnest to go to church weekly. I haven't decided if I want to go back to giving Catholic Mass a try, or try something new and go to a Lutheran church. I guess I'll decide that on Sunday.

I had a brief thought to give up baking for Lent. This will definitely be difficult for me, but I changed my mind. I decided I'm just going to stick with going to church weekly. This way at the end of Lent I can't say, "well at least I stuck with something," if I only have one thing to which to stick.

Went to Mass Today

Every year my med school puts together a dinner for a physician to tell us about his or her "Calling to Medicine." Being a Catholic institution, there's an optional mass before the dinner.

I almost didn't go to the mass. The last time I went to mass I left the church feeling extremely angry. I skipped Christmas mass to avoid these feelings of anger and I didn't know if I was ready to go back today. Well lo and behold, I went and I feel a little better. It was a 30 minute mass in a conference room. The priest suggested we stay seated for the whole mass. I'm not going to lie, it felt awkward not standing and kneeling at the usual times. In fact, it made me miss this ritual.

I don't know where I am on my faith journey right now. I still don't know if the Catholic Church is the place for me, but I know I still continue to feel a void. I may give mass a try again this weekend, but I'm not sure. Perhaps, instead of going to church on Sundays I'll devote an hour to spiritual reading. I didn't do anything last weekend, so I guess I'll have to see how this weekend goes.

Either way, God Bless! (And please keep not only the people of Haiti in your prayers, but all individuals affected by natural disasters.)

Another Week Without Church

I really truly want to work on my faith this year. I told myself all week that I was going to give a Lutheran service a try this Sunday. Long story short, I didn't leave the house at all. I could blame it on the two inches of snow we received overnight, but I know that's not it.

I almost think I have a small sense of fear about going back to Church. What if going back still doesn't fill this faith void I have? Being raised Catholic I believe in the Virgin Mary and transubstantiation. Ok, strike that. I'm not sure I actually believe Mary was a virgin. My faith has taught me to believe Jesus was conceived without intercourse, so I'll stick with that, but I really really don't think Mary and Joseph never had sex after Jesus' conception. If Mary did have sex, that doesn't make her any less holy or less of a remarkable woman for raising Jesus and watching him get crucified, but I digress. Lutherans don't believe in transubstantiation and Mary isn't as big there. I don't know. I really just need to try different churches out and see what feels right.

Here lies another problem though. Joe and I hopefully moving this summer to start my residency somewhere on the East Coast. I can look for a church out here, but I'll likely have to leave it in a couple of months and start all over.

I don't know. Perhaps just reflecting on my faith will help me find my way back to wherever it is I belong.

I hear you God

I've been going through what I call a faith crisis for the past year or so. For months now I've felt I need to get back to my religion and work on my faith. It hasn't happened. On a interview last week, a physician saw I was involved in the Catholic Medical Association and our conversation led to suggestions to help me resolve my faith crisis. Tonight I was at applicant dinner for different program and had a wonderful discussion with another applicant about our faith, what it means to be Catholic, etc. I went to the dinner with the purpose to learn more about the program. Ends up, I randomly sat next to another Catholic and we randomly started talking about our faith. I've heard of moments when people feel God is calling them or pointing them in a particular direction. Right now, I feel God is screaming at me. Not a reprimanding scream, but a "obviously you couldn't hear my whispers, so I guess I have to get louder to show you I miss you" scream.

After having this random discussion with the fellow applicant tonight I realized part of what I'm missing in my faith life. Up until medical school, I was involved in faith-based groups outside of Mass on Sundays. These groups provided time for discussion, service, activities, etc. Mass was just an added benefit. Without the faith discussion with my peers, I feel distant, almost lost. I discovered more about myself and my faith through campus ministry than I have in Mass. Now I'm left with Mass and I think since Mass wasn't filling my faith void, I stopped going. Unfortunately, this left with no outlet (other than my actions and profession) to practice my faith.

I've been thinking my answer to resolving my faith crisis is finding my way back to Mass, but tonight I think I discovered that's not it. I need to find my way back to opportunities to discuss my faith with my peers. Hopefully, after that I'll be able to find my way back to Mass as well.

I Used to be Religious

I started to write a long post, but then I realized I think I just need to get my thoughts out quick and dirty.

I can't remember the last time I went to church.

I like to blame my religious decline on the fact that my husband doesn't go to church, but I know it's really not that...I went by myself for years.

I envy two of my dearest friends who have a confidence in their faith that I once had but lost.

I still consider myself Catholic, but I truly wish women had a more active role in the church and I do not like the Church's history. I never felt left out of the Catholic Church as a female until the most recent Conclave to elect Pope Benedict and I realized not a single female had a vote.

I've thought about trying services at different denominations, but each Sunday comes around and I still don't go. For some reason, I don't think switching denominations is my answer. I need to look at religion as what it is today, not the horrors it brought to people in the past. The Crusades and Salem Witch Trials are over, but who's to say something like that won't ever happen again? Religion has done a lot of good, but it's also caused too many deaths to mention and very narrow mindsets. I need to stop focusing on the negative aspects of religion and start finding the beauty in it again.

I miss my faith and the strength I'd find in it. Another dear friend always says, "faith takes work." I haven't been putting the work in, I know. I keep waiting for a major revelation and perhaps I need to get out of my PJ's and go back to church to get it. And who knows, perhaps I truly do need to look into a different denomination.

Any comments, readings, suggestions, criticism, etc appreciated.

Holy Land Theme Park?

Last night DH watched Religulous (another topic in and of itself) and they featured The Holy Land Experience, a theme park devoted to Christianity. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I recognize not everyone can make the true pilgrimage to the Holy Land for financial and safety reasons and this my be a good substitute. Never being to either the theme park or across the Atlantic, I can't comment on how similar the theme park experience is. Just seeing the pictures of the theme park however, it looks way too "fake" for me. I believe part of the true Holy Land experience would be recognizing the historical/religious signifigance of a city that is millenia old. Also, I've had experiences where I've felt a spiritual presence and I don't think I'd feel the same presence at the theme park as I would in Israel.

Now for the shows...OMG they reminded me of the shows I'd see at the Disney themeparks. And...guess where this theme park is located? Orlando. I'm truly torn on my thoughts of the shows. At first it bothered me that the park so violently imiated Jesus's life, but then I remembered in grade school how we performed the stations of the cross for the younger grades. Then it started to bother me that they turned Jesus' life in a musical and are charging people, but then I remembered how I've paid to see Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat.

So what's bothering me about this place? I don't think I can completely verbalize it. I think a large part has to do with the fact I'm going to through a spiritual crisis right now and trying to redefine my faith. I think I also find the logo too commercialized and the fact that it's in Orlando is overkill to me. I tried to find a picture of the sign and this is the best I could find, sorry it's blurry. I don't know, I just look at that it screams "amusement" to me rather than education or spirituality. I feel like as a society in general we're looking to believe in something bigger than ourselves and some individuals have transformed this desire into a marketing strategy. I believe it's beneficial to provide spiritual opportunities for others but I personally think it's almost criminal to capitalize on society's desire to feel a part of something bigger.

I know this can be viewed as controversial and please feel free to comment with your thoughts on the matter.

"Woman was the first to sin and the second to be created."

I decided not to physically give up anything this Lent. Instead I'm trying to devote more of my time to redeveloping my faith through prayer, readings, and journaling. Since I had it in my possession, I started reading The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd. I'm not very far in, but I wonder if this is actually going to take me farther from my Catholic faith than bring me closer. It's very feminist driven so far and one of the excuses I have for why I don't go to church as often is that the Catholic church is too patriarchal for me. (Yes I know I wrote excuses. I've yet to determine if it's an excuse or a reason). Having been taught by sisters of the Church for over 12 years, I was constantly told I shouldn't leave the church simply because of the patriarchy; instead, I should be a voice of reason in the Church and work for more female equality, etc. Right now, I'm fed up with that thought. It's not that I want to give up and never think the Catholic church is going to have female priests, etc, it's that I don't want to feel like I have to fight so much for my faith to incorpate things I need right now. I want to be in a place where women are an equal part of the faith traditions already.

So, why am I not picking up and leaving the Catholic faith? Part of it is fear; I'm a cradle-catholic and almost all of my family and friends are Catholic. Going to a different denomination would sever a bond I have with these very important people. I know they wouldn't disown me as a friend, but it's nice knowing that I can always go to Mass with them and we generally have very similar beliefs. It's a sense of community. Also there's a voice inside of me that says I was once happy in the Catholic church and I'll be happy there again, I just need some work in that department.

So, fortunately I have never heard the words of my title spoken in any churches I've attended, but it's food for thought. I'm not willing to give up on the Catholic church just yet and I hope this Lent will bring me closer to God in some fashion.

Holy Crap, Lent Starts Tomorrow!

I feel completely detached from the outside world this year. I didn't even realize tomorrow is Ash Wednesday until the hospital cafeteria was promoting Fat Tuesday today. If I had been fulfilling one of my New Year's Resolutions (going to church) I'm sure I would have known Lent was so near. So, that being said, I hope to use Lent to redevelop my faith, or at least get a jump start on redevelopment. I'm picking up a faith related book and will try my darnest to go to mass every Saturday or Sunday. One of my friends said it best, faith requires work. I never realized how true that is until I stopped putting as much effort into my faith life.

"Dating is setting you up for divorce; courtship prepares for marriage"

I recently heard something along those lines on TV and I just want to put my two cents on the matter. I so hardheartedly disagree!!! I could have misheard the guy, but still... So what I think he was saying was that people go into dating with the expectation that this relationship may not be "the one" and when you determine it's not "the one" you're teaching yourself how to separate from a person dear to you and all the emotions you shared. On top of that, you may have been intimate with the person and then "spoiled" yourself for your "true mate."

Ok, my thoughts on dating and heart break. I'll be the first to admit I don't have the most experience in break-ups and heartache since Joe and I started dating when I was 16, but...I was in 1 serious relationship and several minor ones before Joe. Through that 1 serious relationship I didn't only learn how to deal with heartbreak, I learned tons about myself and how I deal with things. I learned who I can turn to as a friend and how my mother can also great source of relationship advice. I learned I can't believe everything someone says. I learned how I deal with being lied to and how to love a person not in my family. Honestly, do I regret that relationship? No. Am I glad that he's not the one I married, hell yes! Am I going to discourage my kids from dating. No way in hell. I hope they are smart about it and yes, it's going to break my heart when I see my child crying over a guy or girl, but I'll know that heartbreak will make them explore facets of themselves that I as a parent can not force them to explore. People can love their friends, people can love their families, and people can love someone they met on the streets, but that's not unconditional and takes more work. Only dating can teach them how to deal with conditional love and the efforts, compromises, and communication it takes to make it work while giving them a sense of ownership and independence.

Does any of that make sense?