Sunday, March 7, 2010

To the Point of Feeling Disgusted

I try not to blog too much about my weight. I feel America focuses on weight too much and it is ridiculous how big of an industry weight-loss and exercise programs are. I feel there are so many other things on which to focus, I don’t want to concentrate on my weight. I’ve done that for too many years of my life already. That being said, this weekend I realized I feel disgusted with myself. Having gone through years of therapy to help develop a better food relationship, I always hate when I come to this point. I feel I try to eat a balanced array of foods and have my desserts in moderation. Yes, my moderation may be more indulgent than others, but I’ve been fine with that. I never expect to go back to the 123 pounds I was when I was my sickest, but I want my pants to fit again. Unfortunately, this is how my weigh-loss eating habits work. I kind of let myself go for a couple of months until I feel so disgusted I find my way back on track.

This weekend I traveled to Baltimore. Unfortunately, my trips to our hometown often involve way too much food. Right now I’m sitting in the airport uncomfortable because my jeans are too tight. It wouldn’t be so bad if these are my skinny jeans, but they’re not. I’ve really fallen off on working out diligently and I admit, I’ve been having a dessert almost every night.

So, this week, I’m going to start eating better again. I fear the word “diet,” so that’s not what I’m going to do. I need to stop eating desserts every night and feeling stuffed with almost every meal.

Before I started college, I lost 10-15 pounds to make room for the “freshman fifteen.” I’m only about 17 pounds more than that right now and that was 8 years ago, so I guess that’s not too bad. However, with the same frame of mind, I feel like I need to lose some weight now to make room for my intern year weight. I’m not hoping or expecting to gain weight intern year, but the fact of the matter is I likely will. When I’m at the hospital 80 hours a week, my workout time definitely will be compromised.


Jen said...

I feel your pain :(. At least you're aware of how you're feeling, and do attempt to make yourself feel good about yourself again! Lots of people just ignore it I guess...

I stayed pretty static throughout college and actually lost 7 pounds for the wedding. Weighing 118 for me is totally unrealistic, but I loved it, and I wish I could stay there. Unfortunately, after the wedding I hit my highest weight ever and then managed to bring it back down to where I was in college. I've stayed there every since, but I'm never happy with my weight. America is definitely obsessed with it.

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